Self-Compassion: The Key to Improving Self-Esteem
Roots of Low Self-Esteem
Many of us struggle with how we view ourselves, often caught in the cycle of comparing ourselves to who we think we “should” be. Whether influenced by societal expectations or social media, or messages given to us by family or peers, it’s easy to lose sight of our true selves and feel like we don’t measure up.
Self-esteem refers to how we value and perceive our personal qualities, characteristics, and abilities. When we fall into the trap of comparing these parts of ourselves to others, we begin believing that we need to change certain aspects of ourselves to match someone else’s standards. This often leads to harsh self-criticism and deep-rooted beliefs that we’re not good enough.
How Low-Self Esteem Relates to Depression
Low self-esteem and negative self-views can lead to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which are key symptoms of depression (Moloud et al., 2022). Those with low-self esteem often fall into negative thinking patterns, interpreting minor mistakes, setbacks, and imperfections as evidence of their inadequacy. You may have a highly critical voice in your head constantly putting you down, reinforcing the belief that you are not enough. This pattern of negative thinking creates a vicious cycle, where each perceived failure or flaw deepens your sense of worthlessness, further lowering your self-esteem. In order to break free from this cycle and foster a more realistic view of ourselves, we must develop self-compassion.
Practicing Self-Compassion to Boost Self-Esteem
We are all imperfect humans, and that means we’ll experience failure, make mistakes, and face difficult situations. Maintaining a positive view of ourselves through it all can be challenging—unless we learn to accept who we are and set realistic expectations. McKay and Fanning, in their book Self-Esteem (2016), suggest there are three components of self-compassion: understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.
1. Understanding
Imagine you're at a restaurant, and the waiter is being short with you, maybe even a bit rude, rarely checking on your table. Your first thoughts might be that the waiter is unprofessional or giving poor service, leading to frustration or disapproval. Now, what if you learned that this waiter’s partner asked for a divorce the night before? Or that they just received a life-threatening medical diagnosis? Would that change how you feel about their behavior? You might still be unhappy with the service, but you’d likely feel more empathy, understanding there’s more going on beneath the surface.
This is the core of understanding—reading in between the lines of one’s behavior and taking the context into account. The same principle applies to how we treat ourselves. To better understand ourselves, we must reflect on our experiences and what’s shaped us. Whether it’s trauma, societal challenges, stress, or just having an off day, we need to offer ourselves the same understanding and grace we would extend to others. Instead of striving for constant perfection, ask yourself: What needs was I trying to meet with my behavior? What beliefs or feelings, like hurt or fear, influenced me? (McKay and Fanning, 2016).
2. Acceptance
The second component of self-compassion is acceptance—acknowledging our reality without judgment. We may not always approve of our actions or behaviors, but we can learn to accept ourselves, recognizing that our actions were attempts to meet our needs given the circumstances.
For example, if you struggle with substance use or addiction, instead of shaming or judging yourself, first try to understand what led you there. What pain, stress, or fear were you attempting to manage? Acknowledge that the behavior is a way to cope, even if only temporarily. This isn’t about labeling actions as “good” or “bad,” but about accepting where you are right now, without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval—it’s about recognizing your current situation as it is.
3. Forgiveness
Finally, letting go of the past and forgiving ourselves will help us to move forward. Holding onto past mistakes won’t change them, and at some point, we need to let go of who we wish we had been or what we wish we had done differently. Instead, we can focus on becoming the best version of ourselves, aligned with our values. Forgiving ourselves isn’t about excusing past behavior, but about freeing ourselves from its grip. It allows us to step out of the cycle of self-criticism and make room for growth and healing.
By practicing understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, we can begin to treat ourselves with the compassion we deserve, ultimately boosting our self-esteem and well-being.
Incorporating Self-Compassion into Everyday Life
While understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness are critical components of self-compassion, it’s equally important to incorporate these practices into our daily lives. Self-compassion isn't a one-time event but a continuous process that can significantly improve our mental and emotional well-being over time.
1. Notice and Challenge Self-Criticisms
Observe and Document: Start by noticing the self-critical thoughts that arise throughout your day. Write them down along with the situations that trigger them. This practice can help you become more aware of patterns in your thinking and identify specific scenarios that challenge your self-esteem.
Talk Back to Your Inner Critic: When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, practice responding with a more balanced and supportive perspective. Ask yourself, “How would I speak to a friend in this situation?” This shift can help you develop a more compassionate and realistic self-evaluation system, as many of us find it easier to be more compassionate to others than ourselves.
2. Focus on Your Strengths and Accomplishments
Identify What You Like About Yourself: Take time to reflect on your positive qualities, achievements, and what others appreciate about you. Make a list of these attributes and refer to it whenever you’re feeling down. Gratitude lists can also be powerful in reminding you of the strengths and blessings in your life.
Celebrate Overcoming Challenges: Consider the obstacles you’ve overcome and the resilience you’ve shown in difficult situations. Acknowledging your ability to navigate tough times can boost your confidence and reinforce a positive self-image.
3. Align Your Actions with Your Values
Clarify Your Values: Spend some time reflecting on your core values and the person you aspire to be. This self-awareness can guide you in setting meaningful goals and making decisions that align with your authentic self.
Take Action Towards Self-Improvement: Actively work on areas where you want to grow. Whether it’s developing a new skill, improving your health, or enhancing your relationships, taking steps toward self-improvement fosters a sense of accomplishment and boosts your self-esteem.
4. Cultivate a Supportive Environment
Surround Yourself with Positive Influences: The people you spend time with can greatly impact your self-esteem. Seek out relationships that uplift and encourage you, and limit time with those who bring you down.
Take Care of Your Well-Being: Self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy self-esteem. Ensure you’re meeting your physical, emotional, and mental needs by getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.
Therapy for Self-Esteem
Cultivating self-compassion is essential for building healthy self-esteem and overall mental well-being. Therapy for self-esteem can help you become more mindful of your thoughts, embrace your imperfections, and treat yourself with the kindness you offer others. By working with a mental health therapist to challenge self-critical thoughts, accept your flaws, and align your actions with your values, you can begin to shift your self-perception and respond to mistakes with understanding rather than judgment. With consistent practice and therapeutic support, this process can lead to a more fulfilling, balanced life.
References
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. HarperCollins Publishers.
McKay, M., & Fanning, P. (2016). Self-Esteem Fourth (4th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Moloud, R., Saeed, Y., Mahmonir, H. et al. Cognitive-behavioral group therapy in major depressive disorder with focus on self-esteem and optimism: an interventional study. BMC Psychiatry 22, 299 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-022-03918-y
Janna Moore, LCSW is a mental health therapist in Tyler, TX providing therapy to individuals across the state. She is passionate about helping people work through their challenges so they can find healing and reclaim control over their lives. Her areas of concentration include mood disorders, anxiety, life transitions, relationship issues, and college students/young adults.
Contact Janna today to book a phone consultation and begin your recovery journey.
Disclaimer: This blog is not a replacement for mental health services or professional advice, and is for educational purposes only. Always consult with a mental health professional for personalized guidance and assistance.
